My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
