Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Randomize
