Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
