Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
what the fuck happened to the tacos
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
