Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
