Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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