I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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