I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
