my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
