Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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