Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
