Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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