Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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