Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
