Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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