i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
