It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
