my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You took a bar mat shot.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
