If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
