I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
