my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
