Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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