im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Someone shit on the floor
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
