When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Drunk is not a location!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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