I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize