So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm passing your future prison.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
