My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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