the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
