I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
