I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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