I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
