Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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