people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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