I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
