I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize