anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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