It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
