Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
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