All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize