but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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