Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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