Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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