She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
