apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
