I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
