Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
