I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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