i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm too high and old for this...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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