i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
