you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
