Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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