I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
