if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
