Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
