ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
