I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
