Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
