Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
