You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
