genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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