I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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