atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
