ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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