Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Randomize
