I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
